Friday, August 26, 2011

On Being Strong


I've been in a bit of a head space lately.  I have been thinking about the relationships around me and who I really am.  I know deep stuff for mid-summer and probably about 10 years to late. But then again, it is never too late to figure out what has brought you to a particular point in your life?

I have never written about my mom, our relationship and the way that she ultimately died.  Is now the time to spill it? Probably not.  What I will say is that she taught me a lot about who I want to be and what steps should be taken to get there.

So here is where I become conflicted.  My mom was a person who constantly wore a mask.  She pretended everything was perfect all the time.  When she was dying inside you never would have known it.  I strongly believe that this is what killed her.  I swore from that day 9 years ago that I would be real.  The good the, the bad and the ugly.  And gosh, Ryan sees it all.

People comment all the time about how strong I am.  Friends wonder aloud to Ryan how the eff Nat turned out so normal.  The pressure to be strong all the time gets to wear on a girl.  I think that when it comes to physical pain I am strong--I block it out well because it is far easier than my other struggles.  When it comes to emotional pain I am far weaker.

I am easily wounded. If I think about the events that have scarred me in the past and continue to stay with me they all come down to one thing.  Feeling disposable. I often feel like I am disposable to people, it probably because I am acutely aware that my mother really did not love me (no no not a sob story--no sympathies needed).   There are precious few people who know these weak sides of me; who know how I fall apart when felling thrown away.