Saturday, July 22, 2017

On Weeding My Garden... On Friendship...

I was talking with a "friend" today.  I was reminded of all the times we confided in each other, laughed until we cried, and supported each other.  I would have done anything for her.  In fact, there were times that I did go the distance in support of her.  After our conversation today I was left feeling heartbroken and insecure. Then a song came on that reminded me of our fleeting but powerful friendship. We were friends for a short while…until we weren’t anymore. Something happened.  The relationship was lost, and sometimes, I miss it tremendously.
The piano playing during the second half of the chorus is one of those times when I miss her.
I used to think that I was good at friendship. I used to think that I had something to offer. Until an avalanche of hurt came along and buried this belief I had about myself. Until I was left holding broken pieces of everything I knew to be true. Until I let seeds of self-doubt slip between my fingers and cover the ground beneath me.
Eventually, the seasons changed, as they always do, but those seeds began to grow and weeds began to rise. Those weeds slowly wrapped themselves around my limbs and ultimately, they tied me to a new truth; the one that said I wasn’t worth anything as a friend anymore. The one that said I had fallen short of being enough.
I have struggled to navigate my way through friendship since I was young.   I have struggled to stand strong in friendships. I have struggled to trust them. I have struggled to believe that I deserve them.
And then, there are days like today…
A day when the ground is soggy and the earth is rising in growth. It's the type of day when the temperature is warm but the overcast sky gives you shelter from the heat. It's a type of day that is clearly summer but provides you with the excuse to stay in and reflect. It’s vulnerable and messy and raw. It’s the type of day that makes my emotions run wide and my memories run deep.
For a long time now, I’ve stared at the footprints around me and counted each one as a mark of failure on my part. A mark of inadequacy. A mark of rejection.
And on many rainy, muddy summer days, I notice those footprints of failures and lost friendships. They are the imprints of everything I couldn’t make right. But today, I also noticed something else; I noticed that I hadn’t made any footprints of my own. Because I had never moved. I had never stepped forward. I had never walked away from the pain and the hurt.  I just kept letting their demons consume me.  
When others were done punishing me for my failure, I have always simply picked up where they had left off.
Today's realization and reflection; today's hurt, made me wonder…how long can any one person remain entangled in a truth that someone else hands them?
Summer is about beginning and growth and vibrancy. It is about claiming your rightful place in this world. It’s about rising from the ground and standing tall in honour of who you have fought to be.
It’s about changing and standing strong in the heat of the sun and in the thunderstorms that follow the intense heat. 
I’ve decided that I would like my Summer of 2017 to be about untying myself from the weeds that have held me hostage.  It will be about forgiving everything I was never able to be.  It will be about hearing that beautiful song and knowing that I did the very best that I could with all that I had for my friendship. It will be about weeding my garden and ridding of the insidious roots that tell me I'm not good enough.  I will stand tall and strong knowing that I will always go to any lengths for the people I love, but I won't allow them to tear me down in thunderstorm of their turmoil.  
Because, in our frailty of being human, we will end up failing others. But, when we don’t make footprints of our own, we will end up failing ourselves.