Monday, May 7, 2018

On Big Girl Friendship 

Wow!!! What a week. We spent Saturday reconnecting with my college roommate, my maid of honour and her 2 boys. She later came out to Kingston’s first two games. Then in Sunday I made phone calls to friends who didn’t even ask questions as they took BOTH my boys for sleepovers on school nights. And then during a particularly stressful work week,I could see who was there to lift me up. I’ve had moments of absolute "this is why we’re friends". There is beauty and grace and ease in these friendships.


And here’s the thing, I have always found friendship a challenging road to navigate.

I was a very shy little girl. I was an only child and I was acutely aware of my "only-ness". From a very young age, I felt like friendship was a game and I didn’t know the rules. So I simply kept to myself.

I was blessed with a couple of beautiful friends during high school. Sadly, those were also some of the hardest years of my life, which made investing in those friendships a difficult task.

By the time University came along, I had endured enough to believe that people weren’t worth trusting or investing in. My years in University were spent knowing people four months at a time, based on who I shared a class or an apartment with. I moved from one year to the next with very little attachment.

Having said that, I was a great rescuer. Give me your broken pieces and I’ll give you what’s left of my soul. I thought if I could fix everyone else, my own fractured self would get healed along the way.

I came to discover that life doesn’t really work like that. No amount of sacrifice to someone else’s pain would lessen my own deep wounds.

Trust me, I’ve tried.

Very recently, a long time friend pointed out...no SHOWCASED PROUDLY... that I have "been broken for a long time and sinking and taking everyone down with me". This call out was earth shattering to me and rocked me to me core. Her candor and anger has forced me to dig deep into who I am. 


I have found the strength and the courage to look at my own bleeding heart...here's what happened...

My heart had changed, but it was still pretty scared of other people. It was still afraid of being rejected. It still wanted to hide from any potential hurt.

And because of this, I got so consumed with trying to BE a good friend…that I didn’t really notice if I HAD a good friend in return.

MIn case you're wondering...this realization hurts.


A LOT!!!!!

So last month, I decided to become much more intentional about friendship. To pay attention. To notice. And for the first time in my life, to select.

I’m not going to lie. This was hard. When you've been driven by approval and acceptance, putting on the brakes can make your flesh physically ache and the tears flow indescrimantly. 

I took steps back from people that I thought were close friends. I opened my eyes to notice people who weren’t really friends at all. And I sat through a lot of really uncomfortable feelings again.

It was lonely and painful and involved a lot of new grieving in various ways.

It still does most days as I think of how I might be letting people down.

But I have spent so much of my life just wanting to be chosen, that it never occurred to me that--I too--got to choose.

I was allowed to choose people whom I could trust. I was allowed to choose people who truly cared. I was allowed to choose people who would support me as much as I would support them.

I was allowed to choose people...who also chose me.

And that doesn’t mean that every friend will last a lifetime. It doesn’t mean that there won’t be challenges along the way. It doesn’t mean that you won’t get hurt in the end.

It means that you're worth something.

Your friendship is worth something.

Your beautiful heart is worth something.

So choose people who choose you.

<3