Tuesday, August 28, 2018

On The Rock, The Waves, The Shore

Today marks 17 years since my first date with the man that changed my life. As we sit here tonight and bicker as to whether we "dated" or not, one thing is for certain... he is my rock. When I say my rock...here’s how much I mean it....

He is the rocks. I am the water. Together, we are the shore. 

He is strong, steadfast, unwavering in the face of life's elements. He is the rocks. 

I am wild, deep, limitless in my desire to be free and "bigger".  I am the waves. 

He is the truest form of constancy. An anchor, grounded in all that is unshakeable.

I am a creature capable of the most dueling worlds; tranquil and calm one moment..a tidal wave of force the next.

He sits quietly along the coast, providing stability against the most powerful of unrest.

I rush forward with feeling and passion; a tidal wave of passion- reminder that not all edges need to be sharp.

He will always be the rocks. I will always be the water.

And 17 years ago today...we became the shore. 

**For the record... we never went on dates. As of September 29, 2001, we have been bonded together. 


Monday, May 7, 2018

On Big Girl Friendship 

Wow!!! What a week. We spent Saturday reconnecting with my college roommate, my maid of honour and her 2 boys. She later came out to Kingston’s first two games. Then in Sunday I made phone calls to friends who didn’t even ask questions as they took BOTH my boys for sleepovers on school nights. And then during a particularly stressful work week,I could see who was there to lift me up. I’ve had moments of absolute "this is why we’re friends". There is beauty and grace and ease in these friendships.


And here’s the thing, I have always found friendship a challenging road to navigate.

I was a very shy little girl. I was an only child and I was acutely aware of my "only-ness". From a very young age, I felt like friendship was a game and I didn’t know the rules. So I simply kept to myself.

I was blessed with a couple of beautiful friends during high school. Sadly, those were also some of the hardest years of my life, which made investing in those friendships a difficult task.

By the time University came along, I had endured enough to believe that people weren’t worth trusting or investing in. My years in University were spent knowing people four months at a time, based on who I shared a class or an apartment with. I moved from one year to the next with very little attachment.

Having said that, I was a great rescuer. Give me your broken pieces and I’ll give you what’s left of my soul. I thought if I could fix everyone else, my own fractured self would get healed along the way.

I came to discover that life doesn’t really work like that. No amount of sacrifice to someone else’s pain would lessen my own deep wounds.

Trust me, I’ve tried.

Very recently, a long time friend pointed out...no SHOWCASED PROUDLY... that I have "been broken for a long time and sinking and taking everyone down with me". This call out was earth shattering to me and rocked me to me core. Her candor and anger has forced me to dig deep into who I am. 


I have found the strength and the courage to look at my own bleeding heart...here's what happened...

My heart had changed, but it was still pretty scared of other people. It was still afraid of being rejected. It still wanted to hide from any potential hurt.

And because of this, I got so consumed with trying to BE a good friend…that I didn’t really notice if I HAD a good friend in return.

MIn case you're wondering...this realization hurts.


A LOT!!!!!

So last month, I decided to become much more intentional about friendship. To pay attention. To notice. And for the first time in my life, to select.

I’m not going to lie. This was hard. When you've been driven by approval and acceptance, putting on the brakes can make your flesh physically ache and the tears flow indescrimantly. 

I took steps back from people that I thought were close friends. I opened my eyes to notice people who weren’t really friends at all. And I sat through a lot of really uncomfortable feelings again.

It was lonely and painful and involved a lot of new grieving in various ways.

It still does most days as I think of how I might be letting people down.

But I have spent so much of my life just wanting to be chosen, that it never occurred to me that--I too--got to choose.

I was allowed to choose people whom I could trust. I was allowed to choose people who truly cared. I was allowed to choose people who would support me as much as I would support them.

I was allowed to choose people...who also chose me.

And that doesn’t mean that every friend will last a lifetime. It doesn’t mean that there won’t be challenges along the way. It doesn’t mean that you won’t get hurt in the end.

It means that you're worth something.

Your friendship is worth something.

Your beautiful heart is worth something.

So choose people who choose you.

<3

Monday, April 2, 2018

On Becoming the person you’re meant to be 

This weekend I had a moment where I looked at K on the ice and said "Shit. When did that happen!"  My sweet boy looks taller. He speaks more maturely. He loves more fiercely yet selectively. He skates faster and eats more. FFS the kid has abs!  He’s also been waking up lately because his limbs are sore. He’s grown an inch and a half over the last couple of months. His clothes don’t fit, his shoes are too small... but he’s growing into the person he was always meant to be.


But his body is literally aching in process!

Because growing can hurt.

As we spent this Easter with friends that feel like family, but decided to not see biological family I felt I needed this reminder too.  I need to remember this as I endure growth in other ways; that I am becoming more of the person I was always meant to be.

It may not feel like it through the pain of navigating a tense family drama or through the restlessness of setting boundaries or through pushing past your own limiting beliefs, but change is happening.

Growth is happening.

Sometimes that growth is going to ache. Sometimes it’s going to be uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s going to keep me awake a night and make the tears flow. Sometimes it’s going to make me feel like I just want my mommy. 

But whether we know it or not, my son and I are becoming stronger right now. 

Quietly...subtly...deeply.

And when all is said and done…something amazing is happening...

Through the pain we are becoming the people that we are meant to become. And there is beauty and grace in that. 


Monday, January 1, 2018

On The Power of Reflection and Renewal

I can’t help but look up tonight. To patiently wait for the new year to sweep over me while the old one drifts away. I can’t help but reach up and try to touch all that awaits.


It was the year that took my soul and stretched it in a thousand different ways. My soul was molded it into something new.

It was the year defined by relationships and by grace.

It was the year in which I started to see my value; as a teacher, as a friend, as a mother and as a wife. I began to see that finding my way in this life is entirely possible. 

It was the year that I realized meeting people is better than chasing people and that my own opinion of myself matters more than someone else’s opinion of me.

It was the year I discovered what is truly worth fighting for and it was the year I realized that one of those things was me.


It was the year I made some beautiful new friends that are clearly meant to be in my life. I also found peace and grace in letting go of relationships that I had high hopes for but, for reasons that are beyond me, will never bring positivity to my life. 


It was the year of walking through my family’s challenges and my family’s pain...and my family’s renewal. We looked heartache and resentment and lies right in the face. We felt uncomfortable in the conversations but we grew and learned the most profound lessons. 


We learned that LOVE ALWAYS wins. 

We learned that there is nothing that we can’t solve when we are together in love and honesty. 

It was the year of heart wrenching obstacles and unexpected joy.

It was the year of bright, new futures and painfully hard pasts.


It was…the very essence of life.


I think there are often times when we desperately wait for the day to come when we can bid farewell to the moments that brought us to our knees. We want to shut the doors and turn our backs and close our eyes. And that’s okay. But before we do that, let’s not forget what it all means…

We did it.

We endured and we surpassed and we survived and we conquered and we fought and we climbed and we reached and most of all…we lived.

The year may have been hard for some of us. The year may have been more than expected for some of us. The year may have been an immense struggle for some of us.

But please, my beautiful, resilient, strong tribe, please refuse to let this last night pass without recognizing what the year has shown you…


You were stronger.


We all were.


Tonight, may you breathe deep. May you love hard. May you wish well. 


May you look up as a new year passes through time and may you always let it remind you that whatever came your way this past year, you came at it with even more.


<3