On the Privilege of Leadership

I was about thirteen years old when I first started working at a local baseball diamond snack bar. This means that I've had many, many years of working for other people. Some of those people were incredible bosses. Some of them were most definitely not incredible bosses. But the experience of it all created a deep curiosity inside of me around the concept of leadership. The curiosity ran so deep that I pursued an additional degree in School Administration, with a focus on interpersonal leadership.

Throughout my time in the workforce, I've had jobs in the retail industry, in restaurants, in crown corporations, in finance, and of course, as an educator. And regardless of how different any of these paths may have been, the common denominator throughout--be it good or bad--was leadership. Even though, at times, I may have been the “boss”, I always had more seasoned leaders to guide me along the way.

And here's the conclusion I've drawn from witnessing countless group dynamics in action...

Your leaders will make you or break you.

They will make or break your businesses.

They will make or break your teams.

They will make or break your goals.

They will make or break your willingness to give your all.

The reason why is because first and foremost, all of these are made up of PEOPLE.

Not profits. Note shares. Not wins. Not medals. Not nepotism.

PEOPLE.

If people aren't treated with respect and worth, then bad things start to happen.

Experience has shown me two dominant scenarios when it comes to running the show; there are those that consider it their right as the boss and there are those that consider it their privilege as the leader. One focuses on what they can get their teams to do and the other focuses on how they can make their teams feel.

Of course, in any setting, productivity and outcomes matter, but in all of my time working on teams, I can confidently say the following: when leaders care about how their teams feel, those teams will naturally, go above and beyond to show you what they can do.

Leaders set their teams up to succeed knowing that the rising tide lifts all boats, whereas on the contrary, bosses set themselves up to succeed believing that the ocean isn't big enough for all of us.

A couple of weeks ago, a candidate in a course I was teaching shared a video about the privilege of leadership (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5jmSZFyWQk) and I was surprised by how deeply it struck a chord with me. It actually triggered me in a way that completely caught me off guard and I needed some time to sift through my underlying feelings about it.

Eventually, I realized it was this line...

"The person you report to, your direct supervisor, is more important to your health than your family doctor..."

This.

THIS.

Then in the depth of my musings I was sent an article from the Alberta Lacrosse Association titled “Why Kids Quit Sport; Alberta Lacrosse Asked Them: July 2017” https://activeforlife.com/alberta-lacrosse-why-kids-leave/.  The article bases its assertion on the statistic that retention, especially in minor lacrosse, is abysmal, yet not many organizations have asked kids why they are not returning. The ALA found that families do not return to lacrosse because of “coaching, sportsmanship, and club culture”. Again….

This.

THIS

Both of these scenarios speak to me about the paramount importance of leadership and relationship building.

It is why I'm so passionate about what it means to be a leader; because 90% of all doctor visits are linked back to stress. Because the majority of that stress is caused in the workplace and by extension bosses. Because I have been on the doorstep of mental health leave due to poor leadership and workplace culture.

It is why I'm so passionate about what it means to be a leader; Because 16% of those that quit lacrosse in 2016 said they were dissatisfied with club culture. Because the growth of the sport I love so much is being threatened.  Because I have watched my own child cry when it comes time to give his all at the local level.   

And because I've witnessed, time and time again, people use their position as a sword to be wielded instead of a tool to serve others.

Understand that waking up every day to hold a piece of another person's life in your hands is a responsibility...not an advantage.

Please understand that volunteering your time to build love and passion for sport, and to teach young athletes to give their all, is a responsibility; not a social hierarchy.

The best leaders I've ever been blessed to work with are also the ones that weren't afraid to say "I'm sorry" and "I was wrong" and "I hope to grow alongside you."

To all of the leaders in my life that truly live from a place of service, thank you from the bottom of my heart. While your guidance and example have shaped me in more ways than I will ever know, your humility and grace will shape the world in more ways than you will ever know.

On Coming to Life

I used to think it was him. I used to think that my husband saved me. That he healed me. That he carried me through the darkness of my life and brought me out on the other side. I believed that I was only whole because he held all of my broken pieces in the palm of his hand and put them back together again.

I was wrong.

I used to think it was them; my sons, the beautiful lives that had been entrusted to me. I believed that their beating hearts saved me. Their purity, their perfection, their need for me to be better than who I really was- saved me. 

Again. I was wrong.

Because no one else saved me.

I did.

My husband accepted me. He knew who I was and what I had gone through. He knew the struggle that was lying inside of me and the struggle that we would likely have to fight together. He knew all of this. And yet, he never needed me to change. And when the time came, he allowed me to heal on MY terms, when I was ready. He let me fight my demons and make my mistakes. He let me cry and scream and hurt and bleed until there was barely a fragment of me left standing. And it was all okay. Because, to him, I had always been okay. To him, I had always been strong and brave and resilient and whole. To him, I had already fought the biggest fight of all…and that was surviving.

My children brought me to life. They let me live their beautiful innocence and reclaim my own. They needed me through my strength and through my weakness. They let me embrace the hurting pieces of my littlest self and love it into forgiveness.

But I’m still the one who did the work. I was the one who stood, time and time again, hands outstretched in love. 

And I'm the one who has to keep doing the work.

I am the one who goes to the darkest parts of my soul and fights like a warrior. I am the one who stands up to the demons. I am the one who takes on the battle. I am the one who gets beaten down time and time again. And I am the one who has to stand back up. 

But furthermore, I am the one who wakes up every day and continues the fight. Every single day, I have to make the choice to crawl on the altar so I can sacrifice who I was in honour of who I can be.

Every day, I have to choose all over again.

And for everything that everyone else has done...only I can do that.

My loves, if you are in the midst of a battle right now or rising from the ashes, I beg of you to remember this; Those than know your heart are there, every step of the way, walking it out, giving you both the strength and the rest to make it to the other side. 

But when it comes to the work; if you are going to own the tragedy, then you owe it to yourself to own the triumph.  Own your choices. Own your sorrow. Own your own personal victory.

On The Rock, The Waves, The Shore

Today marks 17 years since my first date with the man that changed my life. As we sit here tonight and bicker as to whether we "dated" or not, one thing is for certain... he is my rock. When I say my rock...here’s how much I mean it....

He is the rocks. I am the water. Together, we are the shore. 

He is strong, steadfast, unwavering in the face of life's elements. He is the rocks. 

I am wild, deep, limitless in my desire to be free and "bigger".  I am the waves. 

He is the truest form of constancy. An anchor, grounded in all that is unshakeable.

I am a creature capable of the most dueling worlds; tranquil and calm one moment..a tidal wave of force the next.

He sits quietly along the coast, providing stability against the most powerful of unrest.

I rush forward with feeling and passion; a tidal wave of passion- reminder that not all edges need to be sharp.

He will always be the rocks. I will always be the water.

And 17 years ago today...we became the shore. 

**For the record... we never went on dates. As of September 29, 2001, we have been bonded together. 

On Big Girl Friendship

Wow!!! What a week. We spent Saturday reconnecting with my college roommate, my maid of honour and her 2 boys. She later came out to Kingston’s first two games. Then in Sunday I made phone calls to friends who didn’t even ask questions as they took BOTH my boys for sleepovers on school nights. And then during a particularly stressful work week,I could see who was there to lift me up. I’ve had moments of absolute "this is why we’re friends". There is beauty and grace and ease in these friendships.

And here’s the thing, I have always found friendship a challenging road to navigate.

I was a very shy little girl. I was an only child and I was acutely aware of my "only-ness". From a very young age, I felt like friendship was a game and I didn’t know the rules. So I simply kept to myself.

I was blessed with a couple of beautiful friends during high school. Sadly, those were also some of the hardest years of my life, which made investing in those friendships a difficult task.

By the time University came along, I had endured enough to believe that people weren’t worth trusting or investing in. My years in University were spent knowing people four months at a time, based on who I shared a class or an apartment with. I moved from one year to the next with very little attachment.

Having said that, I was a great rescuer. Give me your broken pieces and I’ll give you what’s left of my soul. I thought if I could fix everyone else, my own fractured self would get healed along the way.

I came to discover that life doesn’t really work like that. No amount of sacrifice to someone else’s pain would lessen my own deep wounds.

Trust me, I’ve tried.

Very recently, a long time friend pointed out...no SHOWCASED PROUDLY... that I have "been broken for a long time and sinking and taking everyone down with me". This call out was earth shattering to me and rocked me to me core. Her candor and anger has forced me to dig deep into who I am. 

I have found the strength and the courage to look at my own bleeding heart...here's what happened...

My heart had changed, but it was still pretty scared of other people. It was still afraid of being rejected. It still wanted to hide from any potential hurt.

And because of this, I got so consumed with trying to BE a good friend…that I didn’t really notice if I HAD a good friend in return.

MIn case you're wondering...this realization hurts.

A LOT!!!!!

So last month, I decided to become much more intentional about friendship. To pay attention. To notice. And for the first time in my life, to select.

I’m not going to lie. This was hard. When you've been driven by approval and acceptance, putting on the brakes can make your flesh physically ache and the tears flow indescrimantly. 

I took steps back from people that I thought were close friends. I opened my eyes to notice people who weren’t really friends at all. And I sat through a lot of really uncomfortable feelings again.

It was lonely and painful and involved a lot of new grieving in various ways.

It still does most days as I think of how I might be letting people down.

But I have spent so much of my life just wanting to be chosen, that it never occurred to me that--I too--got to choose.

I was allowed to choose people whom I could trust. I was allowed to choose people who truly cared. I was allowed to choose people who would support me as much as I would support them.

I was allowed to choose people...who also chose me.

And that doesn’t mean that every friend will last a lifetime. It doesn’t mean that there won’t be challenges along the way. It doesn’t mean that you won’t get hurt in the end.

It means that you're worth something.

Your friendship is worth something.

Your beautiful heart is worth something.

So choose people who choose you.

<3

On Becoming the person you’re meant to be

This weekend I had a moment where I looked at K on the ice and said "Shit. When did that happen!"  My sweet boy looks taller. He speaks more maturely. He loves more fiercely yet selectively. He skates faster and eats more. FFS the kid has abs!  He’s also been waking up lately because his limbs are sore. He’s grown an inch and a half over the last couple of months. His clothes don’t fit, his shoes are too small... but he’s growing into the person he was always meant to be.

But his body is literally aching in process!

Because growing can hurt.

As we spent this Easter with friends that feel like family, but decided to not see biological family I felt I needed this reminder too.  I need to remember this as I endure growth in other ways; that I am becoming more of the person I was always meant to be.

It may not feel like it through the pain of navigating a tense family drama or through the restlessness of setting boundaries or through pushing past your own limiting beliefs, but change is happening.

Growth is happening.

Sometimes that growth is going to ache. Sometimes it’s going to be uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s going to keep me awake a night and make the tears flow. Sometimes it’s going to make me feel like I just want my mommy. 

But whether we know it or not, my son and I are becoming stronger right now. 

Quietly...subtly...deeply.

And when all is said and done…something amazing is happening...

Through the pain we are becoming the people that we are meant to become. And there is beauty and grace in that. 

On The Power of Reflection and Renewal

I can’t help but look up tonight. To patiently wait for the new year to sweep over me while the old one drifts away. I can’t help but reach up and try to touch all that awaits.

It was the year that took my soul and stretched it in a thousand different ways. My soul was molded it into something new.

It was the year defined by relationships and by grace.

It was the year in which I started to see my value; as a teacher, as a friend, as a mother and as a wife. I began to see that finding my way in this life is entirely possible. 

It was the year that I realized meeting people is better than chasing people and that my own opinion of myself matters more than someone else’s opinion of me.

It was the year I discovered what is truly worth fighting for and it was the year I realized that one of those things was me.

It was the year I made some beautiful new friends that are clearly meant to be in my life. I also found peace and grace in letting go of relationships that I had high hopes for but, for reasons that are beyond me, will never bring positivity to my life. 

It was the year of walking through my family’s challenges and my family’s pain...and my family’s renewal. We looked heartache and resentment and lies right in the face. We felt uncomfortable in the conversations but we grew and learned the most profound lessons. 

We learned that LOVE ALWAYS wins. 

We learned that there is nothing that we can’t solve when we are together in love and honesty. 

It was the year of heart wrenching obstacles and unexpected joy.

It was the year of bright, new futures and painfully hard pasts.

It was…the very essence of life.

I think there are often times when we desperately wait for the day to come when we can bid farewell to the moments that brought us to our knees. We want to shut the doors and turn our backs and close our eyes. And that’s okay. But before we do that, let’s not forget what it all means…

We did it.

We endured and we surpassed and we survived and we conquered and we fought and we climbed and we reached and most of all…we lived.

The year may have been hard for some of us. The year may have been more than expected for some of us. The year may have been an immense struggle for some of us.

But please, my beautiful, resilient, strong tribe, please refuse to let this last night pass without recognizing what the year has shown you…

You were stronger.

We all were.

Tonight, may you breathe deep. May you love hard. May you wish well. 

May you look up as a new year passes through time and may you always let it remind you that whatever came your way this past year, you came at it with even more.

<3

On Weeding My Garden... On Friendship...

I was talking with a "friend" today.  I was reminded of all the times we confided in each other, laughed until we cried, and supported each other.  I would have done anything for her.  In fact, there were times that I did go the distance in support of her.  After our conversation today I was left feeling heartbroken and insecure. Then a song came on that reminded me of our fleeting but powerful friendship. We were friends for a short while…until we weren’t anymore. Something happened.  The relationship was lost, and sometimes, I miss it tremendously.

The piano playing during the second half of the chorus is one of those times when I miss her.

I used to think that I was good at friendship. I used to think that I had something to offer. Until an avalanche of hurt came along and buried this belief I had about myself. Until I was left holding broken pieces of everything I knew to be true. Until I let seeds of self-doubt slip between my fingers and cover the ground beneath me.

Eventually, the seasons changed, as they always do, but those seeds began to grow and weeds began to rise. Those weeds slowly wrapped themselves around my limbs and ultimately, they tied me to a new truth; the one that said I wasn’t worth anything as a friend anymore. The one that said I had fallen short of being enough.

I have struggled to navigate my way through friendship since I was young.   I have struggled to stand strong in friendships. I have struggled to trust them. I have struggled to believe that I deserve them.

And then, there are days like today…

A day when the ground is soggy and the earth is rising in growth. It's the type of day when the temperature is warm but the overcast sky gives you shelter from the heat. It's a type of day that is clearly summer but provides you with the excuse to stay in and reflect. It’s vulnerable and messy and raw. It’s the type of day that makes my emotions run wide and my memories run deep.

For a long time now, I’ve stared at the footprints around me and counted each one as a mark of failure on my part. A mark of inadequacy. A mark of rejection.

And on many rainy, muddy summer days, I notice those footprints of failures and lost friendships. They are the imprints of everything I couldn’t make right. But today, I also noticed something else; I noticed that I hadn’t made any footprints of my own. Because I had never moved. I had never stepped forward. I had never walked away from the pain and the hurt.  I just kept letting their demons consume me.  

When others were done punishing me for my failure, I have always simply picked up where they had left off.

Today's realization and reflection; today's hurt, made me wonder…how long can any one person remain entangled in a truth that someone else hands them?

Summer is about beginning and growth and vibrancy. It is about claiming your rightful place in this world. It’s about rising from the ground and standing tall in honour of who you have fought to be.

It’s about changing and standing strong in the heat of the sun and in the thunderstorms that follow the intense heat. 

I’ve decided that I would like my Summer of 2017 to be about untying myself from the weeds that have held me hostage.  It will be about forgiving everything I was never able to be.  It will be about hearing that beautiful song and knowing that I did the very best that I could with all that I had for my friendship. It will be about weeding my garden and ridding of the insidious roots that tell me I'm not good enough.  I will stand tall and strong knowing that I will always go to any lengths for the people I love, but I won't allow them to tear me down in thunderstorm of their turmoil.  

Because, in our frailty of being human, we will end up failing others. But, when we don’t make footprints of our own, we will end up failing ourselves.