Sunday, January 22, 2012

Kingston's 2nd Annual Birthday Letter

There are times when I sit down to write and the words just flow…when the words are there, just waiting to be written.

This isn’t one of those times.

Each time I sit down to write this letter, I stare at a blank screen.

That is how much I love you, my sweet boy. There aren’t words for this kind of love. You are, without question, one of my life’s greatest gifts.

With your hugs and the way you hold onto me as though just a few minutes longer are all you’ll need. I know I should go but you make me weak. I need that.

Thank you, Kingston. Thank you for wearing your love for me on the outside; for holding me with all that you are.

Just saying your name makes emotion pour out from my heart. Never in my life have I experienced such a deep love for something or such an overwhelming amount of pride and joy. Thank you for making me a Mommy and your Dad a Daddy. We have such a special bond from being your parents, that we can often just look at each other and without saying a word know exactly what the other one is thinking or feeling about you.

Watching you grow up this past year has been a blur. A blur of you. You’ve changed so much, so fast! It’s been hard for me to keep up. One minute you were unsteady on your feet and the next you were running through the house like a crazy boy. It’s so hard to remember the days when you were stationary.

You went to bed one night barely speaking and woke up the next morning with words exploding from your mouth. You want to know the names of things! And when we tell you what things are you say them back to us. And let me tell you, you have the quite the vocabulary. Words like "broke", "buzz", "buddy" and some sounding like four letter words we wouldn't dare say. Take "truck" for example or when you tell Blue to sit.

It hasn’t been an easy year for us, you and me. We’ve had some…adjustments. With these new found words of yours has come a serious case of toddler ‘tude. You like to say “No, NO” when you don’t want to do something we want you to do. I know you’re just testing out the world a little bit, trying to find your own sense of control over the little things, so I cut you some slack, sometimes. But not always. You have to get out of the bath. Ad you could possible brush your teeth away if brush for a y longer. And I have to change your stinkbutt diapers. Be nice to girls, Even if they have cooties.(And they ALL have cooties until I tell you otherwise. Except me. Mamas don’t count.)

You need lots and lots of cuddles. Sometimes you still need a few middle of the night snuggles, and while I’d rather stay in my own bed, all comfy and cozy(and asleep), I’ll give up a few minutes of rest to breathe in your toddler scent in the middle of the night. That’s when you snuggle your face into my neck and sleep the most peacefully. It’s hard for me to put you back into your crib when you snuggle like that.

In the past year you’ve taught me how to be a mother–your mother. This is something I always wanted, and there was a time when I didn’t know if I’d ever be even sort of good at this. But your cuddles, your kisses and hugs, and they way you call for mommy, tell me that I’m more than just sort of good. I’m pretty okay. Even when I’m not.

You know what you want, when, and how you want it. Boy, we have had quite a few disagreements over your opinion. No, you cannot eat gummies for dinner. Im sorry but we cannot go outside at 9pm. And please try to remember the vacuum cleaner is not to be used as a riding toy. Please try not to kill our dog. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve actually thought you murdered Blue with your toys, eye gouges, and hair pulling.

I have shed many tears over the passing of your second birthday. Because you’re getting so big and my baby is gone. Because it’s difficult to remember every moment of the past two years. Because Daddy and I haven’t decided whether you’ll have a brother or sister. Because with each passing moment I'm acutely aware that these precious moments with you will not be forever.

2 years ago today you were a stranger. I could only dream of what your voice would sound like when you said, “Mommy". I could only imagine what you would look like when you took your first steps. I could never comprehend how proud I would be every time you learn a new word, when you blew out the candles of your 2nd birthday cake, and all your other little accomplishments. I would have never guessed how much joy and happiness you could bring to me.

2 years ago today I wasn’t sure I could do it. I still have days that I’m not sure I can do it. But, I hope you know how much I try to be the best mom possible. I love making you laugh so hard that your face turns red and you get hiccups. I love tickling you so hard that you giggle and say, “No, Mama! No!”. I love that I’m the only one who can understand your “kinglish”. I love that I get just as excited as you (okay, maybe more excited) when we see a big cuck (truck). I love getting to discover new things with you.

2 years ago today I knew I loved you, but I could have never imagined how much more I could love you today. Kingston, I love you so much and am so proud of the boy you are. I can’t wait to see how much you change and grow over the next year.

I’m thankful that YOU still love me, even when I don’t love myself very much. Even when I don’t think I’m very good at this and we’ve had a terrible, horrible, no-good, really bad day. You still come to me and say “Mommy up!” waiting on me to show you the world above your eye level. And there’s something kind of poetic about that. Something kind of awesome.

You are my sunshine; my bestest little boyfriend.

With a heart bursting with love,

Mommy


1 comment:

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