Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Camden's First Birthday Letter

Let me first preface this post with an acknowledgement that I am acutely aware that it is Camden's SECOND birthday today. When I wrote his birthday letter last year, I was in a strange place emotionally and for some reason couldn't bring myself to post it.  So here it is! This year's post is in progress.

Dear Camden,
Today  at 8:31pm it is your very first birthday and I look down at you as I lay you in bed, I cant help but fall more in love with you.  I remember, so clearly, meeting you for the first time. Daddy and I gripped each other, as he comforted me for just a few more pushes. I told him that you had arrived. I don't think anyone could have believed that you joined our family so quickly after a 42 week wait. 

Do you remember what life looked like a year ago? Well, yesterday you forgot that you like bread even though the day before you couldn’t shovel it into your face fast enough, so if your memory is a little fuzzy, that’s okay. That’s why I’m here. Because I remember it all.

A year ago, we were cuddling in the delivery room, and everything was white and sterile but oh so quiet.  Sweet little man... the moment you were born everything stopped. It was as if the universe took notice. Everyone left the room, the lights were turned off and you and I laid there in silence and in awe for the most precious 25 minutes of my entire existence.  You were so healthy and content that they allowed daddy and I to take it all in. The peaceful silence you created for me will stay with me forever. 

Though you were a big, 9-pound-4-ounce ball of heavenly chub, in my arms you felt fragile and tiny. The most precious thing I’ve ever seen. And I couldn’t believe that you were mine.

Bringing you home just 3 short hours after you were born was glorious. There was no fear. There was no trepidation. We walked in, Blue greeted us and smelled his new baby brother and we all snuggled in for the first time as a family of 4 +1. You fit in so perfectly. You belong here. When you step into the world I want you to always remember that this, here with your mom and dad and brother,  is where you belong. Forever and always. 

That first night at home was an exhausting one for me, and probably you, too. While your daddy slept, you and I (after sixteen hours of labor) stayed awake getting to know each others' smell. I instinctively knew that you needed me to hold you close.  You slept best those first few nights snuggled close as if you weren't quite ready to give up mommy-camden time. Your brother came home in the morning and was so quiet and so gentle. He treated you like you were the most precious thing he had seen. By the way, he loved the car you brought him he night you arrived. He still proudly holds that yellow Mader truck and pronounces that his "baby bruder got dis truck for him. He is a good widdle bruder". 

As a newborn, you were so happy. You would coo and smile and charm everyone. They warned us in those first few weeks that the key to your heart would be milk. They warned that I would have to take good care of myself in order to keep up with you. I did my best and you were happy. At 2 weeks old you got your first cold. I think it bothered mommy more than it bothered you.  

The next 8 months are an absolute blur. You helped say goodbye to Blue. Truth be told, if  it wasn't for your snuggles (and demands for more milk) I think I may have fallen apart.  Blue knew that you completed us and he could go. You sprouted 6 teeth without us even noticing. You welcomed Cash.  You rolled. You army crawled. You scream a high-pitched "eeeeeeee" when you need a little attention. You said "mama". You gave kisses. You played with your brother. You rolled with punches when we asked you travel across Ontario at a moments notice to spend long days in the cancer centre. 

You came into this world, 9lbs and 4oz… so pink and soft, so innocent and dependent and absolutely perfect in every way. And now, you are a little boy…over 20 lbs, laughing, talking, waving…charming every person who is lucky enough to meet you. You are standing with little help and learning your first steps.  You are one today, beginning a journey—A journey that will take you in many different directions and teach you many things. As I sit here and watch you cautiously take your first of many steps in life, I think of the man I hope you’ll become and that I will go to infinity and beyond to be a good mommy to you and help guide you in your journey through childhood and into adulthood. 

You have developed into such an amazing little person already. You are the sweetest, most joyful child I’ve ever met. You are kind and curious. You sometimes get so excited that you can't help but scream and flail your arms. You are also sensitive. One stern look in your direction or a "mommy's not happy with you" and your bottom lip comes out and sorrowful tears start flowing.  There are big things ahead for you.  You have already made this world a better place for being in it and I feel so honoured to have been chosen to be your mother. 

You melt my heart every time you smile, and when you lay your head on my shoulder after a long day…it helps make the world right again. Never in my life have I been so excited to wake up…it’s because I get to wake up and be your mommy again. My angel, it is such a profound gift. 

Tomorrow we both have to start a new chapter in our lives. I know this year being at home with daddy has been the greatest gift we could have ever asked for, even if I cried in my car at recess because I just missed you so much. This last year has been an amazing journey. It has been the most rewarding, incredible, special time in my whole life. I will cherish the experience of your first year of life in a special way, and treasure it always in my heart. 

Cam, a year ago, you turned my whole world upside down. You took what I knew about life and love and motherhood and you shook it all up and rebuilt it into something beautiful; something I don’t fully understand. 

Words cannot express how much I love you, my prince, my precious boy. You are my sunshine, my heart, my purpose for being—my everything. I’m so very proud of you and grateful to be your mommy. 
Happy First Birthday Special Little Man!

1 comment:

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